Mystic Sunday V Er… Monday

November 27, 2006

Egad – this week I missed Sunday all together! Thanksgiving screwed me up. Mystic Sunday is a bit late, but here we go. I don’t believe in coincidence. Today I was working on a project for a non-profit that lead me down one of my wisdom paths and at one point, I really wondered why I was spewing the wisdom to these people. “I should really be writing that for Mystic Sunday,” I thought. There’s always a time and a place for spewing you know – and really, you shouldn’t just spew for the sake of spewing. Wait until you’re asked. Now that’s wisdom. But I failed on that one I think. Nevertheless, this group I’m working with includes some pretty amazing people and they’re awfully forgiving when I indulge in my wisdom spewing :D Either that or they just ignore me LOL. So what was the soapbox scenario for today? Kindness Is Not Weakness: Keys to successfully managing your business presence.

Well what the heck does that mean? Allow me to spew ;-)

I have a sister. She’s very enterprising – the youngest in my family and you know how the youngest kids are. It’s the “I’ll show all the rest of you…” kind of kid. By the time she was 30 I think she had been on every contintent twice, in nearly every country, had done just about all the cool things you can do, had a high-paying career in the heart of cutting-edge geekland and could argue her way through any conversation anyone (but me ;-) threw at her. She was a bit busy for my taste, but there was a bit of wisdom she would routinely drop during her many rants about the inefficiencies and senselessness of the corporate world…

Don’t mistake kindness for weakness.

Now you have to know something about my family. We tend to be director-type people, but none of us really can stand for any kind of abuse of power. If you’re on top of your astrology, we’re all air signs – everyone: three aquarians, two geminis and two libras. There’s an unusual egalitarian streak with us and if anyone senses or sees abuse or manipulation of power, we rarely let it slide. So here’s my sister, expounding yet again where corporate life fell short of its potential (there were many ways over the years), but each time, I heard, “Don’t mistake kindness for weakness.”

This always resonated with me. “How true,” I thought. So often there are those who would seek to exploit your sense of kindness to corner you in a sense, into doing something that was to their advantage and not necessarily yours. And they do this by cleverly appealing to your sense of helpfulness, your obvious committment to the cause, your sense of duty to others.

Now you’re going to ask, “Hey, where’s the mystic bent on this topic???” Well, it’s coming. Let’s just take a minute to shine the spotlight on this situation first. Why is it that often, the most successful people aren’t really trusted? Why does the working class not trust the upper class? Why is there some phrase that says money is the root of all evil? What’s with the concept of stepping on others to get ahead? You can add 100 more questions like these here. I don’t have perfect answers for all of those, but I do know that at the root of most of these, there’s the issue of influence and power and there are three kinds of people in the world: those who get stepped on, those who do the stepping and those who maintain a higher sense of wisdom.

So one of the main ways to get things, gain influence, gain power, etc. without too much effort is to find people who have a wonderful sense of kindness and thoughtfulness towards others AND, who haven’t learned to respect their own efforts. That last part is the key. When you find people like this, and you happen to be one of those people who isn’t kind or thoughtful, simply exploit their sense of kindness, appeal to their sense of duty toward others, make them feel guilty and selfish for not helping you. After all, isn’t that what they’re supposed to do as a kind, thoughtful person?

Hum… now I hear you… you’re saying (again), “Well DUH…” Ah sure… it’s always so clear on paper… er, video… computer screens. But depending on which type you are, it’s different in practice. For kind, thoughtful people, it’s incredibly hard to maintain your approach to things without being the constant target of those who would seek to exploit you. Why? Not because you’re weak, no, but because the entire model is flawed. Well, that isn’t exactly true either, but it appears that way at first glance.

As you’re going about your life, being kind and thoughtful, occasionally you’re met with something or someone that challenges this sense of being. It flat out tells you you’re wrong, you’re not kind and thoughtful, or somehow your kindness isn’t good enough. Oh my, now that’s a dilemma.

I’ve spent my whole life really trying to be a great person, trying to be a great parent, great sibling, great teacher, great coworker – where did I go wrong? How can this person say this?

You have a handful of choices as far as how to respond to such a situation and this is part of the magic that allows misguided folks to abuse the system. You can either 1) plead no contest 2) contest the accusation or 3) do nothing/ ignore it.

What happens if you plead no contest? Everyone now, “YOU LOSE.” When did this become a game? Well it wasn’t your doing, but that’s exactly what this is in the eyes of the other person or entity and you just lost. The price? Well it depends on what they were asking doesn’t it. Hopefully it wasn’t much.

What happens if you contest the accusation? Hum… an interesting choice. You stand up for yourself. But in reality, this is equally advantageous for the antagonist. Why? Because you’re absolutely contradicting the very nature of the being you try to portray every day of your kind and thoughtful life! The nerve of you to parade around as a kind and thoughtful person, only to act in such an inflamatory way when asked for something. “Wait a minute!” you say… “I’m not contesting the favor, I’m contesting the accusation that I’m not kind and thoughtful. You’re turning this in circles!” Now you’re accusing the accuser… even worse. But all by plan I assure you. This is shear joy for non-kind people. You’ve been warned.

Well what about option three? What about ignoring this kind of thing? Well, how convincing are you at ignoring someone? If you do not confront the person, they’ll launch a few other guilt trips on you, try to appeal to your ego, try to bring your friends or business partners into it, try to threaten you(?). It all depends on the situation, but ignoring antagonists only works if you fit person type #3 seven paragraphs back – the type who always maintains a higer perspective of wisdom. If they sense you’re tyring to avoid them in any way, it only confirms their mode of influence is working.

Now this is all a bit drawn out simply for example. Generally this kind of experience is far more subtle and much more difficult to handle for the average kind, thoughtful person. The only way to rise above this circular pattern of antagonism is to move into an awareness about your self that acknowledges and respects kindness and thoughtfulness.

WHAT??????????? Yeah yeah I hear you… you say,

I’m kind and thoughtful and now you’re saying I have no respect for that?

Yeah, I’m kind of saying that. Why? Because you cave every time a snake comes along and plays the trick on you. You think, “Bah! Compromising my self-respect is easier than fighting with a blindfold and no weapon.” And that’s exactly what most people do because they misconstrue upholding self-resepct and dignity with fighting or appearing confrontational or even appearing mean. If you are falling prey to this illusion, I’m telling you now to wake up. The weapon in the hand of the antagonist is your very own judgements about what kindness, thoughtfulness, self-worth, self-respect, and dignity are.

Just take a moment to read that again. The weapon in the hand of your antagonist is your very own judgements about what kindness, thoughtfulness, self-worth, self-respect and dignity are. She’s using them against you. He’s using them against you. You are defenseless against them as they are your own judgements! Any kind person would not argue. Any kind person would not say no. Any thoughtful person would always put others first. You believe that to expect or even ask for kindness is selfish. You believe that to expect or even ask for a base level of dignity, respect, thoughtfulness – it’s selfish, it’s rude, who are you to ask for such things?

You are kind and thoughtful.

So the dilemma then becomes, “How do I remain kind and thoughtful yet prevent this kind of behavior from antagonists?” Well the first step is to redefine what you consider kind and thoughtful. Review your judgements about what it means to be kind and thoughtful. Does this being kind mean you cannot be strong? Does being thoughtful mean “at the expense of your own dignity”? Really examine the judgements you’re holding here because what you will find are the very things that an antagonist is using against you, to undermind the very values you wish to spread in the world. Will you allow some misguided person to undermine such values? What will it take for you to move from simply valuing these to being someone who upholds them?

It’s going to take a new definition on your part – one that acknowledges that kindness and thoughtfulness need to be defended – not by violence or manipulation or counter-manipulation or arguing or caving in. You defend them with wisdom. Remember person type #3 back about 33 paragraphs??? The one who responds with wisdom? You do that first by knowing that kindness and thoughtfulness are indeed worth upholding. There is no argument you need to put forth. Those qualities can stand by themselves. There’s nothing you need to add. Simply exhibit them and your actions will demonstrate the argument.

Second, do not hold judgements for yourself, that refusing to feed antagonists is selfish or somehow anti-kind. You don’t give a drug addict drugs do you? No, you seek appropriate help for them. See the antagonist in this light – the antagonist wants a fix and you’re the drug. If you must get involved with such a person, then handle them as you would someone who’s not operating on all cylinders – they’re not. There’s a lack of wisdom and they’re dealing with you, a kind, thoughtful person who realizes, sees the unfortuante nature of the situation and offers appropriate help. If it’s refused, it’s refused. But you’ve offered appropriate kindness and also managed to uphold the respect and dignity that only a kind, thoughtful person could.

Good job. I think you’ve got it.

Do you see the the difference now? It’s very important to see this situation from this perspective as it shines a new kind of light on things, a light I think even the most kind, most thoughtful person could agree with. It’s a kind of approach that’s win/win/win. Kindness wins because kindness was applied. You win because you applied your values without compromising your own self-respect or dignity and guess what… even the antagonist has the opportunity to win here. It’s a fortunate turn of events for an antagonist to meet up with you. For the first time in her life, someone has shown her there is strength in being kind. For the first time in his life, someone has shown him that thoughtfulness transcends weakness. You may very well have given that person the very key they’ve been seeking. I know it seems dreamy, but this happens. Often antagonists do these things because they’re mad no one stops them. Ponder that one for a while.

Be the example. Show others how to do it. Win/win/win. When it gets hard, remember don’t give drugs to addicts. Offer a productive solution. If they refuse they refuse. You’ve done your part. Thank you for bringing your kindness and thoughtfulness to this place. You are a great light and you don’t go unnoticed.

Digest. Enjoy Mystic Monday, er… almost Tuesday! :)